Working for Peanuts

It has been a while since I wrote in this blog. There really hasn't been much to say. I finished counting unemployment weeks when I finally got a job last October. It didn't last long. I then had another job which lasted a bit longer. I am now working as a freelance writer....the emphasis on free.

I tell myself that it's okay. I shouldn't mind working for peanuts if my work is getting out there. I tell myself that the more I write, the better pay out I'll get. That's true.

I have for the most part given up on finding permanent employment outside the home. I admit that I'm totally burnt out with the job search as it's been way too long since I've had a real job. Employers pass me over, and the interviews I do get are unfulfilling for me and for the employer. I tell myself that there has to be an easier way to get a well paying permanent job without sacrificing my health and/or my morals. Yes, the employment picture right now appears rosy. Yes, I'm feeling the pressure to take any job just so I can have money coming in.

It is too easy to wallow in despair not knowing what tomorrow will bring. The questions keep popping up...Will I be able to stay where I am? Will I have enough money to pay my bills? Will I ever get a full time fulfilling job? None of this I know now...

Why am I stuck in this quagmire?

Yup....I know you have all been here. You feel as if you are in a plastic bubble afraid to make one false move. You wonder what the person before you is actually thinking. You've been unemployed for how long? You see it in their eyes. They question your worthiness as a prospective employee. They question your willingness to do the job. They put up impenetrable barriers that bar anyone who doesn't fit their criteria. You feel stuck in this quagmire of hopelessness and defeat. You want to quit and sink down into the quagmire. You ask yourself why am I still beating myself up like this. I know. I still feel like this. It isn't easy to get out of the quagmire even when you see helping hands trying to put you out of it.

I know that there are a lot of voices in your head right now. Some are pressing you to get a job...any job...now! They don't understand why you are still unemployed after all this time. They expect you to jump at any opportunity that comes your way like a lifeline. You want to....but there is something holding you back. You can't explain what that something is...but you try to.

I know. I have been struggling myself...and yes I have taken two jobs already which only lasted a month each. I understand why those jobs weren't right for me. I took them because I broke down to pressure. Will I do it again?...Maybe. Yet when I really think about what I'm doing right now...I can't really justify jumping in to anything without researching whether or not it will be a good fit for me. I have to question why I'm actually applying for this company and not that one. Do they hold the same values are I do?

There is a bigger issue here...a question you need to ask yourself when you do your job search. How will that position reflect you as a person? Perception is key. If you want someone to remember you as part of an organization that fosters good community relationships and is morally fit, then you need to be looking at companies that share those values. It isn't easy....especially when you feel the walls of doubt and despair move towards you. I have to keep telling myself that God is in control. He is the master of my life and the Savior of my soul.

Giving Up and moving forward

It has been over two years now since I had a regular paying full time job. Longer than one of my nieces has been alive and a lot longer than I expected to be unemployed like this. I have to admit that there are days when I do feel like giving up. There are also days when I feel like I'm just jogging in place while my savings dwindle to nothing. I know I have to move forward and press onto my new life. I have to accept that for me there may not be a position that is as stable and steady as what I've been used to having. This is hard.

I can blame the whole job market that excludes people like myself that are unable or unwilling to expose themselves. I have tried to be someone I really wasn't and get out there like others expect me to do. I am finding as I do this that there are others like myself that are really struggling to even get noticed by employers. I do feel like giving up. Yet when I see that others are really struggling, I feel I can't. I have to find that avenue or door where people like me can go and get noticed by employers without exposing themselves to the world.

If I admit that I'm scared of the downward spiral my life seems to be taking right now, then employers will shun me. If I am honest and say that I'm not that into technology, I'm considered a relic of the past and unworthy of notice.If I admit failure with all my puny efforts and decide to end it all, I am considered suicidal...which some unfortunately have done. If I accept defeat and give in to the dark forces that are ready to tear me apart, I'm applauded and praised by those who long to see that day.

Yes, my friends I am scared. I have to admit that or else go completely crazy with holding it all in. Yes, I am not that into technology...I don't own a Smartphone and wouldn't know how to use one if I did. Yes, I have failed so far in my ongoing quest to find work, but I haven't decided to end it all...Instead I am moving forward. I won't give in to the dark forces that continue to threaten to tear me apart. Instead I will lean even more on my heavenly father who knows me intimately and knows my needs.

Counting two years of unemployment/underemployment

When I finished this blog back in September 2013, I really wasn't expecting to go back to it. I thought, wrongly, that no one would want to read about my trials with underemployment. Yes, I did have two jobs in the past six months. Neither one lasted very long. I have been questioning why I've been putting myself through this...and admittedly stopped looking.

This doesn't mean that I haven't stretched myself in other ways. I have worked(unpaid) as the president of a historical society setting up fundraising events, speakers and planning meetings. I have also researched for grants gathering information for a new potential local history club in my area. Some would say that I'm being a fool and I should be focusing my energy on finding that perfect job. Maybe I am. Yet when I did that, I got quickly burnt out and disgusted with myself. I then settled for any "lifeline" that came along...thus the two jobs that I probably shouldn't have taken. I'm not sorry to have taken them because they did help a little bit. They also opened my eyes a bit wider to what I don't want in a job, what I really can't handle and gave me a little bit of incentive to dig deeper.

I'll now ask the questions I should have asked before taking those jobs, weighing out what I can reasonably put up with against what I can't.