Forty ninth week-Finding your passion

I had a better week this week. I know that I was pressing too much and not being myself. It is hard for me to step back. I like to be in control. Yet sometimes you really do need to let go. I think what helped me was that I did let myself grieve a bit and release all the pressure I was feeling. Once I got to the point that I was able to release it, I was then able to climb out of the pit of despair I wallowed in for so long.

Everyone who has ever been unemployed for a long time goes through this. It's normal and sometimes even expected. The first thing you need to remember is that you have to find your passion. My passion, as I found out, is local history. When I first started the book I recently published, I wasn't expecting that it would sell well or that anyone would have an interest in a small town like Collingdale. Yet as I started talking to people and getting their feedback, I realized that there was an interest. I also found that I really liked doing the historical research and digging up facts that had been buried for a long time. This then led me to explore the Internet and eventually create a Facebook page.

The Facebook page was a "hit" as I posted old and new photographs that I had of Collingdale. It was through that media I also connected with others that had the same passion. I learned a lot, and in turn was able to share a lot as well. At this point, I'm still not sure how everything will come into place. Maybe I will turn out to be a catalyst for change in the way local history is presented to young people. I am open to this and eager to see what will happen. Who knows?.....maybe I will get a job doing what I love.

Forty eighth week-Desperation has finally set in

Another really horrible week this week. My motivation to keep going has been shot down. I'm really struggling in two areas, as I feel inadequate to handle the pressure being put on me to be the perfect job candidate and try to bring my "baby"....the historical society up. There is too much I really don't know about non-profits, so it's definitely a learning experience for me. Desperation has set in as I scramble to find information while still trying to find work.

It's hard when you can't even find motivation to get out of bed in the morning. I had a few mornings like that. I know my situation is not as bad as some others. I'm not facing eviction like some are. I can still pay for food and rent...but that could change soon. I struggle to remain positive.

What are my next steps? I'm not even sure. I could contact a few non-profits to see if I could intern with them. I could start advertising my services as a historian. Someone did suggest this to me. I know I do have to get past this feeling of being torn in two and the enormous stress that I'm now under to get a job...any job. This is going to be very difficult.

Forty seventh week-Down in the well looking up

This has not been a very good week for me. I guess it's because it really started sinking in that I'm treading water and going nowhere fast....not literally, but figuratively. Some things in my life are going well. I'm steadily working on the historical society information that I've been receiving. I'm hearing that I'm on the right track as far as that is concerned, yet I'm still stuck in this well. I feel the walls pressing in on me, and sometimes have a hard time catching my breath. Yes, I know this is all normal....so they tell me. Yet I'm feeling really desperate, which is not a good feeling.

I know I have to get out of this mindset. This is easier said than done. Once you reach this "milestone", you do want to quit. Some do. I know quite a few that have thrown up their hands, decided not to do anything and wind up destitute and homeless. I admit that frightens me. I am, however, at the point in this long rough road where I really don't know where to turn for help. Will I fall through the cracks like so many others have done? I know I don't want to....I'm fighting the best I know how to avoid the cliff that looms ahead of me. I have others to think about too....how will they be affected by my fall?

Yet I still have hope. I know that the Lord will provide for my needs. He knows every single one of them. I just have to ask, and not depend on my own resources. I definitely need that reminder when it seems like everything is falling apart around me and I feel lost.

Forty sixth week-Moving forward cautiously

This week was my week for networking. I networked with a few people with this new project and am sensing that things are moving forward. I know I need to be cautious. I don't want to get "burned", yet I also don't want to let things go. I am resisting a few things too. I admit that readily. I struggle with the concept that everyone seems to be toting these days, that is that everything is on-line. Sometimes I want to scream, but I hold it in. Other times I long for the old days when people met face to face. When did job hunting become a beauty contest? Why is it so hard to find steady employment? All these questions swirl around my brain as I do my research and reach out to others for information.

Since January, as all who have regularly read this post know, I've "flipped the switch" on my job hunt. Instead of focusing on getting just any administrative job out there, I decided to focus in on local history jobs. I know what you're thinking....she's crazy....but I'm thinking that if I stop obsessing over just finding any old job out there, then there's a good chance that I may find the job I need. Obsessing over anything won't help and might even hurt your job search. I know I have done this. Sometimes it just can't be helped. You try hard to find something, but everyone keeps telling you that you've been unemployed for too long...that no one will hire you because your skills have deteriorated too much. Yes, both scenarios are true. The skill sets I had while employed have deteriorated. I do feel that I have been unemployed for too long. I can't give up hope though. I have to keep striving to find that one job....that one position that will fulfill my needs.