Joining the ranks of the underemployed

Yes, I finally got a job. I started Monday...and it's very draining...but it's a job. I am grateful to have one, because now there is money coming in. Not nearly enough, but money nevertheless. I am working part time at a telemarketing company which means I'm on the phone eight hours a day. I am not giving up looking for another job, nor am I giving up my new found passion.

This blog, however, ends now....

Seventy first week-Waiting for answers

This week has been a particularly tough week for me. I have done a lot of running around and attending meetings but no real action so far. I have a feeling that something is going to happen soon. It just has to. I am about a week away from paring down further in what I can do. Starting September 1st, I will need to cut my transportation expenses because there is no money coming in for  it. I hate to do it as being able to travel to my favorite libraries to do research has been my safety valve. It's also what's been keeping me sane as I go through this present trial.

If something doesn't come along in the next week or two, I will have to pare down even further...maybe skip a meal or two. Yes it is that desperate...unfortunately. But as most of you know tough choices have to be made when there is no money coming in and little prospect of any coming in soon. For some it means that they are only weeks away from being homeless. Luckily I'm okay here.

I admit that I am waiting for answers...waiting for someone somewhere to take notice of me and offer me a job. I know that's not the way to go. I know that you need to be aggressive in order to get what you want and need. That's not my nature. I am not aggressive, at least I don't think I am.

I heard everyone say that you have to stick your neck out to get noticed any more....the more sensational you are the better chance you have. I can't do that. I don't want my legacy to be that I trampled over others to get that elusive job. I'd hate a job like that. I want something that will utilize my current skill sets while helping others and provide me with enough money to support myself and my family. I don't believe that's too much to ask for, but unfortunately this is no longer the mentality of the work place today. No one wants to help their fellow human being...at least that's the impression I'm getting in the corporate world. When will it stop? I shudder to think of the punishment that will rain down on them on Judgment Day when they have to explain their actions. Maybe I am old fashioned.

Seventieth week-Learning to swim with the sharks-Part Two

Yes, for most of us when we reach a certain age, there is a feeling that you're a victim of circumstances beyond your control. There are "sharks" all around you and there doesn't seem to be a lifeline anywhere around. You wonder how others in your situation are handling the tremendous pressures of dwindling funds, sick and elderly parents, a mentally challenged older brother and the prospect of being homeless. You marvel at those who have been either unemployed or underemployed for two or three years, even though you know that God is sustaining them. I don't want to be numbered among them. I admit that readily.

Every day is a test of my resolve to focus on the Lord. I know that he is even now providing for my every need. I know that I can't do anything in my own power. I am so thankful and grateful for friends and family who still support me and have to wonder about those people that don't have that support. How are they managing it? There are some rumors that a lot aren't managing it at all....Those are the statistics you read in the paper daily...the horror stories of those who have taken their own life and sometimes innocent bystanders as well. I believe those are the ones that the "sharks" get a hold of and tear to pieces.

To swim with the "sharks" takes a bit of courage. You have to put yourself out there for them to tear apart, without actually letting them do it. I know what I've done is pray continuously for the Lord's protection and guidance through this dark valley I'm currently walking in. There is still a lot I have to learn. I know that I have to be open to learning, and not closed off to it. Yet at the same time I need to keep my moral compass and stand for what I believe....not an easy task in this dark world.

Sixty ninth week-Counting down to destitution

You're probably wondering what I mean by "counting down to destitution." For many of us who have been unemployed for what seems like a very long time, this is our life. It's not the hard but true fact that once you reach the six month point in your unemployment that your job skills go south. It's not the hard, cold fact that you're considered unemployable after you reach the year mark of unemployment, nor is it that for most of us the only jobs we can look forward to are those jobs that no one else wants. It is the fact that money is no longer coming in. Your unemployment compensation is exhausted. Your savings are dwindling. You have no resources or none that have shown themselves to you. Some are in danger of losing their homes. Yes, I won't sugarcoat this. It is a real possibility because the programs we have come to depend on are either broke themselves or you can't apply for because you don't meet the eligibility requirements.

So what do you do? I don't know. All I do know is that there are people out there that are really struggling now to keep their homes and get food on the table. Thankfully I'm not there yet, but I can see that in my future if something doesn't happen soon. How did I get here?

It's not for lack of trying that I'm in my present state. Everyone who has been unemployed as long as I have will tell you that they worked long and hard to find something....anything to fill their days and give them the monetary security they need. I see it in their faces...weary and worn...wanting and needing this trial to end. Will they or any of us survive this? I don't know that either.

Will I quit now and accept the downward spiral? Or will I continue as I have been doing...pressing on and praying for provision and protection.

Sixty eighth week-Another crisis looms in the horizon

Yep...the title is right. Another crisis is staring me in the face right now. I can deny it, push it under the rug or just ignore it and hope it goes away. At this point in time, many of us probably are see-sawing between feeling desolate and hopeful. The desolation comes with the cold hard fact that you're not going to get the job you need and want to have. You are going to have to settle for getting something you absolutely detest in order to survive. I've been trying to brace myself for the impact. It hasn't been easy. The people around you can be insensitive to what you're going through because they've never gone through it. Even the "so called" experts can get it wrong.

I sometimes let myself sink into despair wondering if I'll still be able to maintain this Internet contact for much longer. There are no guarantees that I will because of monetary restraints and accessibility. Thankfully the Lord is providing and I can be hopeful that he will continue to provide for me.

As many of you know, there are a number of issues that I'm struggling with now. One, of course, is that fact that I've been unemployed for so long. I can't seem to get across to anyone that I really have been working all this time, but just not getting paid for it. I get so excited about the event that I'm coordinating in September that I forget to mention...."Oh, by the way....I really could use a job now." When I do that, I get "burned."

How can you justify it? Unfortunately the only way is to keep pressing and letting people know that you are available for work....Work won't come to you. You have to sometimes "scream" that you're there and willing to help them in whatever capacity they need. This has been hard for me to get across to others. Maybe it's because not many people do this because it seems like you're desperate for work. I am. I need a job now...and that's the bottom line.

Sixty seventh week-Making headway

This week I made a bit of a headway with the job search. I had one interview which I think went okay. I'm not at all positive that I'll get the position. I've decided not to stress out about it. There is really nothing I can do to make it any easier to make my case to those who judge me on my appearance and verbal ability. I do get tired of feeling that I'm saying or doing the wrong thing. So, I stop and study the person before me. What are her needs? I know that she's just as frustrated as I am to find the right "fit" for her organization. I know that I have a lot of stiff competition that I can't hope to beat out for the position. I know my weaknesses and my strengths. I know what I can do and what I can't do. I know my limitations.

Yet I can't seem to make the right connections. I know that there has to be one organization/company that is searching right now for me. I do pray that we make the connection soon. One of my intense pressures right now is seeing my funds dwindle down to nothing and not being able to do anything about it. I need help.

On the other hand, I do see growth in the area that I'm passionate about which is historical research. It is exciting to see the positive response to my efforts on behalf on my community. I do believe that the event that my historical society is holding will have a great impact on the community. That's a good thing. Will I personally see any monetary gain with this? No...probably not...unless someone sees my good work and wants to hire me. It could happen.

Sixty sixth week-Putting it all together while trying to remain sane

I noticed that the past two weeks that I have been putting off writing this blog until the end of the week. I think that is probably a sign that things are starting to improve. I am now in the process of putting all the many facets of my working life together. Yes, I am working. I do have to remind myself and others that I am working even though I am not getting paid. I do spend each morning, either job searching on-line, writing and reading e-mails and reading articles.

I know I am a bit stressed out, but that's due to the fact that I am taking on too much with the three projects I am committed to completing. Two of them will help me in my quest for employment because they will showcase my newly acquired skills of networking, public relations and event planning. The other one I will not be too much involved with...but could also help with acquiring employment. With all three projects I am learning to prioritize, delegate and let go...the letting go is the hardest part. If you like to have control of all aspects of things, it's not easy to trust others to do what you need them to do. You want to do it all yourself. You can't.

You can't for a number of reasons. People will only do what they're capable of doing and have the talent to do. You can't force someone to do what they're not capable of doing. You have to delegate because you want to utilize the talents they do have, and you don't. I am admittedly not good with design and public relations. I assigned that to someone else. I often wish I could assign the sales portion of trying to find employment to someone else as well. Unfortunately I can't do that. I am who I am. No one can represent me as I can.

Sixty fifth week-Trying to answer the 64 thousand dollar question

I have been asking myself why I'm still not employed for many months now. Maybe it's because of this blog. Maybe it's because I put God first in my life instead of second or third. Maybe it's because I'm still so introverted when the job market embraces the extrovert. I don't know. The only things I do know is that I have to stop "banging my head against the wall" in frustration and anger. I've admittedly done a lot of that lately.

I'm also feeling overwhelmed and desperate. Neither one are very good feelings to have especially while searching for a job. There are barriers that now seem impossible for me to break down. One of the biggest is that I've been unemployed now for over a year. That's a huge gap for a potential employer to waive and it's understandable from their point of view that they just don't want to take a chance on me. There is also the fact that I have a very difficult time expressing myself verbally which makes it very hard to convey what I need and what I can offer to a potential employer. I am very good with written communication, and not surprisingly prefer written communication over verbal communication.

So...would anyone want to pay me for this? Again...I'm battling with at least a hundred thousand others who have both great written and verbal communication skills. Will I continue this blog until I can't do it due to lack of funds...maybe...maybe not. My hope and dream is to end this blog with gainful employment.

I do have some good news. One of my fellow "sufferers"....who has been unemployed for over 3 years finally landed a job....just about the time when it seemed he would be left out in the streets and marked as one of the homeless and helpless. I'm praying it doesn't come to that for me.

Sixty fourth week-Busy writing letters and coordinating an event

I have to admit I haven't had time this week to lament my lack of funds. This is probably a good thing. Whenever I look at my dwindling funds I get a sick feeling in my gut. So I stopped looking. Before you jump to conclusions, yes...I have been keeping tabs on my funds. I'm just not dwelling on it now. Instead I'm concentrating on writing letters, praying and making sure I don't drive myself crazy with all the research I'm continuing to do.

Some of the research is due to the fact that I'm coordinating one event and helping out with two other events. I've definitely received and am receiving an education in starting up, running and maintaining a non-profit. You may have guessed already that even though I am currently running this organization, I'm not receiving any funds for it. I don't expect to. Most of the non-profits, especially the historical ones, are run by volunteers like myself.

I had to do something. I do feel like I have accomplished a lot in the past seven months with the new organization. Getting and generating interest is a full time job. This is on top of what I'm already doing in seeking full-time employment. Some days I feel stretched to the limit of my endurance while other days I feel exhilarated by the things I am learning.

I know that the Lord has his hands on me. I feel the support and enthusiasm of the people around me, but I can't as yet translate that into a paying position. It does frustrate me. I know that I would be a good fit for an organization that is willing to take a chance on someone who is willing to work hard for them. I just haven't found that organization.

Sixty third week-Trying not to give in to despair

Yup, it's been another one of those weeks. You often wonder how people survive when money isn't coming in. I'm about to find out. I knew this was coming, yet I decided to ignore it hoping and praying for a job. Now...of course I just have to grit my teeth, pray harder and hope someone will offer me a job in the next week or so. When you get in this type of situation, it really tests your mettle. I could give into despair right now. I know that's what so many want me to do. It's really hard not to, when it seems like you're kicking at a rock and the barriers around you seem insurmountable. Yet it's exactly the time when you need to look up and not down.

Yes, this is yet another pep talk. You have to believe in yourself enough to get out of the introverted shell you seem to be stuck in. Make a list of people you are going to call and/or visit in the next week. Follow through with what you say you're going to do. Don't be afraid to ask for money. You never know who may be willing to give you what you need. I know what my next steps will be. I don't like it, but I really have no choice now. I have to take the desperation job. I can't avoid it any longer.

Sixty second week-Resolved to push on

This week I resolved to push on even though there is a very real threat that my credit will be ruined due to circumstances beyond my control. I know what this means. It means another black spot attached to me and another reason for potential employers to pass on me. Yet I have to keep going just to keep my sanity and to fulfill the unemployment requirements. I decided not to dwell on my current frustrating situation. I can't do that. I must press on...not just for me but for the people I support.

I am past the stage where I desperately take anything just to be working. I realize that any retail job would entail long hours, little pay and a work environment that I'm physically not capable of handling except on a part time basis. I am past the stage of pleading for a job, any job....employers are turned off by that and frankly I would be too. I admit I still do struggle with the questions, some of which are unspoken, about why I've been unemployed for so long. There is a very strong stigma attached to me right now. Unfortunately I can't seem to shake it off and let people know that I'm still learning even though I'm unemployed.

My focus has been on non-profits due to the fact that I've started a non-profit historical society in February. I have taken some on-line courses in non-profit management and what it takes to form a non-profit organization. My head is swimming with all the information, but I feel that I am making progress with it. It is a passion of mine, so it helps me to press forward with all I still need to do.

Sixty first week-In the sea of despair and struggling to get out

Yes, this week has been really tough. Trying to find support now is difficult. Everyone seems to have given up on you. You're staring at a reality that you really don't want to be in. I understand. It's tough when the electronic demons sap your strength leaving you high and dry. You can't look around because it's too painful. Others are suffering far worse, and that drains you even more. You can't help them. You can't even help yourself. Admitting that you're in this sea of despair is the first step out of it.

When I look over my earlier posts, I do notice a pattern of hope. I know I have to hang on to that hope if I'm going to survive this trial and walk through this deep valley. There is still much to be thankful for...a house to call home, Internet access there, food on the table, loving family (even though sometimes they can add to the trial), friends and most importantly a God who loves me. I don't understand how anyone can go it alone, and leave God out of the equation. Yet I see it everywhere...and it makes me wonder if one of the reasons I'm still in this state is my open profession of faith. I won't give that up. It is my life and part of who I am. God made me. It would be utter foolishness to turn my back on him and disobey him. So I'm following the best I can his leading.

Sixtieth week-Feel like giving up, but have to keep pressing on

The pressure to find something is intense. Bills that have to be paid soon stare me in the face. I never expected to be out of work this long, and still don't know how to combat the depression that is threatening to sap my strength and will to survive. I do feel like giving up, but know I won't. There are too many people depending on me now. I feel bad every time I look into their faces and have to tell them that no one wants me. It's very frustrating too. I have great skills and I'm willing to work hard for the right person. I just don't want to work nights and weekends. Is that being selfish? Maybe it is. Maybe I need to just stop whining and take the first job available whether it be a retail one or not. I know what I have to do, but knowing and doing are two different animals.

It's very hard not to want to dig a hole and hide somewhere...especially when the news now is that there are people hiring. "Pick me! Please pick me!" I feel like screaming....but my words fade away in the darkness. Yes, it is a struggle. Yes, I do need to keep moving forward. I have to....I have no choice.

Fifty ninth week-Fighting the financial medical monster

This week I counted myself among the thousands who are now fighting against the financial medical monster. I received two astronomical bills for the very limited medical services rendered when I ended up in the emergency room due to a nasty dog bite. At first, I thought someone was playing a very sick joke on me. I was quite literally shaking with both anger and frustration. I had to put the bills down and go for a very long walk. Walking often literates my thinking. It's also the time I talk to God face to face. I do realize now why this happened. There definitely needs to be a standard price for medical treatment. Hospitals, medical professionals and doctors should be prohibited from charging exorbitant fees for their services. I'm sorry I'm not paying for your house, your car, your children's education...!!!!!

When I think of all those people whose stories I've read that are facing and have faced this very damnable situation, I could just cry. Then I realize that this could be a good issue to take up as part of the healthcare reform law. Someone definitely needs to look long and hard at this now. There should be transparent and fair pricing at every hospital and doctor's office. Don't charge someone thousands of dollars to check a wound, bandage it up, give the person a tetanus shot and send them on their way!!!!! THAT IS CRAZY!!!!!!
INSANE!!!! AND JUST PLAIN WRONG IN SO MANY WAYS!!!!

I need your support....those that are reading this blog...to petition for drastic change in the way hospitals, doctors and other medical professionals charge for their services. We deserve fair prices!

Contact your state representative...tell them how you feel about the way hospitals, medical professionals and doctors charge exorbitant fees for such things as gauze pads....:-(....gauze tape....another....:-( and other simple procedures. Maybe if enough people make a bit of noise about this, we'll see some good changes...maybe...

Fifty eighth week-Definitely getting old waiting for something positive to happen

Some may say that I resigned to the fact that to a good number of potential employers I'm unemployable. Yes, I have been out of work now for over a year. This situation for me is definitely getting old. I'm getting to the point now that I don't want to mention that I'm unemployed. I rather mention what projects I'm currently involved in for the historical society. I believe people respond better when you don't mention the cold hard fact that you're unemployed. I also believe that after a certain period of time you're considered "damaged goods" or unreliable as an employee. I know my parents are beginning to question why I haven't taken a retail job by now. Anyone who knows me knows that this would be a "desperation job" for me. I am desperate for work, but not that desperate yet.

Right now I'm debating with myself whether or not to start sending out thousands of resumes like some have done. I don't feel comfortable yet with having my personal information dissimulated all over the Internet. I like having some control...and besides everyone tells you that networking is key. I have networked and will continue to do so while I figure out who needs the skills and services I can provide them. I will also start writing letters (snail mail) soliciting my services to local businesses. There has to be someone out there who is looking for me. The issue is trying to find that someone.

Fifty seventh week-Feel like I'm marking time now

This week has been super busy in some ways as I made the next steps in making my organization viable. I can sense that people are interested, which is a good thing, but I can't as yet see whether or not they are willing to work with me. Some days it feels like I'm marking time. I feel guilty because it does seem like my job search is at a standstill. I have to remind myself that God is in control and that his timing is perfect.

I am slowly feeling physically better, but worry about the people around me. The stress of being unemployed for so long has affected them too. I don't know how I can make it better for them. They too are marking time with me and praying for an end to this long dark tunnel that we're traveling on now.

In some ways this "sabbatical" has generated new interests and passions. Some would say that I found my niche. Others have told me to my face that passion doesn't pay bills. They are both right. I have found what I love to do, which is historical research....and yes it hasn't paid the bills yet. My question has been, for the past five months, how do I transfer this passion I have to a paying stable position. I haven't found the answer to that one. Yes, I may like to go back to school for my master's degree now that I do have a focus and goal towards where I want to be. No, I don't want to pay the astronomical expense that I would have to pay to reach that goal.

Yes, I also have to admit....if only to myself...that I'm slowly but surely going the route of self-employment. I do believe there are many out there that are even now trying this route too because of the frustration of competing with thousands for that one job. Being my own boss sounds good....yet when push comes to shove...you have to weigh the risks you are willing to take in order to make enough money to survive and even thrive. This is what I'm wrestling with as I continue to straddle the fence on whether to continue on fruitlessly searching for that elusive job or work out a business plan and go into business for myself.

I have, with the help of SCORE, established my historical society. Some of the activities that I'll be doing in the next three months will have a benefit to the community at large and be a resource for others as well. I just have get out of the mindset that tells you that you're no longer a viable candidate for gainful employment and into the mindset that tells you that you are viable and can still contribute to the community in many fruitful ways.

Fifty sixth week-Struggling with injury and moving forward

This past Sunday I got a personal view of the emergency room. As many of my fellow unemployed members, I am without insurance. This is not by choice. I couldn't afford the COBRA payment, so decided not to take it. Some would probably tell me that this was a stupid move on my part, but you are not in my shoes. I had to make a decision to pay my rent and eat....which if I paid for insurance may not have happened...because there isn't enough.

I did get a better understanding of what really needs to be done here as far as healthcare is concerned. First, it really needs to be more affordable (I know that's not going to happen) for a person who is getting insurance on their own. Having to decide whether to eat or get health insurance is not a good way to go. I do worry about medical bills which I know I can't begin to pay. I also wonder if this is the reason why the administration is pushing the new healthcare law so hard. Some camps say that we'll all have to "pony up" and pay higher prices for medical insurance. I know my biggest "beef" is that feeling I have that I'm throwing money away paying these premiums which I lose every year. A much better solution would be to allow everyone to have medical savings accounts that accrue interest and could be used towards medical expenses. No...that's too easy....

I am moving forward. I have to...I have no choice.

Fifty fifth week-Coming at the job search with a fresh image of success

Last week I took a much needed break away from the job hunt. I did things that I wanted to do, and a little reassessing of what my next steps would be. I had to re-evaluate what I was doing, and find out what I was doing wrong and right. It wasn't easy to face that I had a lot of work to do. I was hanging on a false premise, hoping that there was at least one company that would be willing to take a chance on me. Unfortunately this wasn't the case.

 I accept that now. I am what I am. I can't change myself to suit someone's need, nor can I lie to get a job that I probably wouldn't like anyway. That being said, and yes I know that everyone goes through this phase when you finally wake up to the fact that no one is willing to take that chance anymore. You must, as hard as it is, go out and sell yourself and your services. I have in the past few months been slowly but surely putting together a list of what I need, what I want and what I can do without...to assess what talents I should emphasize in what's becoming a new venture for me. I'm still not sure about some things, such as finances should I continue on this road to self employment. All I do know is that I can't keep doing what I have been doing, which is posting resumes on the Internet and hoping that someone...anyone will reply to them. I have to start doing the cold calling to gather information and do the freelance work that's out there.

This doesn't mean that I'm giving up....hardly....I'm actually hoping with some of these informational interviews to get a position. I tell myself that this is a good thing, and that I'm learning all these new skills that I'll be able to utilize once I get a permanent position somewhere. In the meantime, I'll continue to work on two projects which I'm hoping will bring that fresh image of success I long for now.

Fifty third week-No rest for the weary

This past week I sloughed through a nasty cold trying to maintain my job search in hopes that something will come up. As all who have been unemployed for a long period of time knows, there is always a danger of falling ill and not being able to pay medical bills. Scary stories abound of people being left out on the streets because they can no longer afford to live in the apartment or house they lived in for years. You try to put a good face on it, telling everyone around you that everything will be alright when inside you feel like screaming.

When you're fighting an illness, it becomes even tougher to find work. I do believe that long term unemployment does rob your health, if you let it. Stress from trying and failing to be someone one you're not often brings on illness as well. There doesn't appear to be any rest for the weary. You do get to the point where your body feels like it wants to shut down....yet you keep pressing. Stop it! Even the Lord took a break to go off by himself.

You need to schedule a vacation for yourself...take one week and just don't do anything at all. So, that's what I'm going to do next week....take a break before I end up really sick.

Fifty second week-"Celebrating" one year of unemployment

It's funny when you really stop and think about it. You want to cry for all the lost time where you could have been productively working. No one ever tells you about the day to day struggles you'll have to keep motivated while at the same time trying desperately to prove that you're worthy of being employed by "fill in the blank" company. Everyone instead tells you that you have to keep your chin up and keep pressing on.

When you are in your twenties, it's easy...so they say. Yet I know for a fact that it is just as hard if not harder for people in their twenties as it is for those that are in their thirties, forties and fifties. I'm guessing that quite a few young people have given up on the job market for a variety of reasons. If you have been following this blog religiously then you know that I do list at least two major factors which don't have anything to do with age.

I guess that makes some of us feel a little better. Do I feel like celebrating? No. I don't think any of us that are still struggling to find work after a long period of time have anything to celebrate. Yet, like I said in my last post, I can't give up hope. I can look forward, and reassess where I go from here. I do like the fact that in my state that I can get the help I need to reassess my options, and maybe get some retraining.

What everyone who has been unemployed as long as I have wants a potential employer to know is this: "Please give us a chance. We just need a chance to prove ourselves to you as a good worker. Please stop discriminating against the long time unemployed and bring us to the top of your list for employment. We may pleasantly surprise you."

Fifty first week-Hanging onto hope

I have to admit that it was really tough this week to hang onto hope. You worry so much about the impression you are making on-line and whether or not you are showing a true portrait of yourself to the world. Do they like me? Will I have to compromise my beliefs in order to get a job? What are my next steps? It is enough to really mess you up. I think and I believe that I have to be true to myself and others. I can't be the chameleon that some expect me to be. I have to question why when push comes to shove that employers shy away from people that are willing not to be that chameleon. Doesn't any company respect the qualities and moral values that we've all (at least those of us who had a stable family life) grew up with?

It frightens me too that so many are too willing to label anything contrary to the ever shifting moral base as a hate crime. It also makes me wonder if that's not the reason why I'm still unemployed after so much time has passed. Where is the boundary on this? How many hoops do I have to jump through to make an employer hire me? What am I willing to do in order to secure a position anywhere? All these questions have been surfacing in my mind as I continue diligently to find work.

After this length of time, my situation has become quite desperate like most of the people I've reached out to in the past weeks. I have to constantly tell myself that I do have something to offer and that I'm valuable. Otherwise I can see myself slipping into that deep dark pit of despair again. For some this will be the end literally. There are no hard and true statistics out there of people who have literally given up and decided that life is no longer worth living. Yet I do believe that being unemployed for long periods of time drains you of life and the ability to function.

So how do you pick yourself up? For me, it's my faith in God that has sustained me through this deep and dark trial. I know he will provide my every need because he's doing it right now. That's why I can't compromise on my core values of honesty and integrity even if it means that I remain unemployed.

Fiftieth week-Looking Up and Finding Hope

I had another good week this week reflecting on sacrifices made. I realized that as much as I'm struggling right now, there are others out there that are completely and totally lost. You know who you are. I don't have to say anything right now, because I've been there. I've looked up from the pit of despair and frustration, only to find that people will mock your stand. The only way out is to find that bit of hope, that ray of sunlight in an otherwise gloomy situation. I never expected to be out of work this long.

There is some movement in the job front. I know I have to steel myself for disappointment if I don't get the position I interviewed for this week. I have a feeling though that this job is a good fit for me. I am going to find hope in the positive response I received and do the hard work I need to do. It is scary...this waiting for someone to pick you from the rest of the candidates. You worry about what impressions you made or if they'll hold the fact that you've been unemployed so long against you.

I have to stop and leave it in God's hands, not my own. That's the bottom line. If God wants me there, he will make a way for me to be there. He's done it before. He knows my needs and has fulfilled them completely every time.

Forty ninth week-Finding your passion

I had a better week this week. I know that I was pressing too much and not being myself. It is hard for me to step back. I like to be in control. Yet sometimes you really do need to let go. I think what helped me was that I did let myself grieve a bit and release all the pressure I was feeling. Once I got to the point that I was able to release it, I was then able to climb out of the pit of despair I wallowed in for so long.

Everyone who has ever been unemployed for a long time goes through this. It's normal and sometimes even expected. The first thing you need to remember is that you have to find your passion. My passion, as I found out, is local history. When I first started the book I recently published, I wasn't expecting that it would sell well or that anyone would have an interest in a small town like Collingdale. Yet as I started talking to people and getting their feedback, I realized that there was an interest. I also found that I really liked doing the historical research and digging up facts that had been buried for a long time. This then led me to explore the Internet and eventually create a Facebook page.

The Facebook page was a "hit" as I posted old and new photographs that I had of Collingdale. It was through that media I also connected with others that had the same passion. I learned a lot, and in turn was able to share a lot as well. At this point, I'm still not sure how everything will come into place. Maybe I will turn out to be a catalyst for change in the way local history is presented to young people. I am open to this and eager to see what will happen. Who knows?.....maybe I will get a job doing what I love.

Forty eighth week-Desperation has finally set in

Another really horrible week this week. My motivation to keep going has been shot down. I'm really struggling in two areas, as I feel inadequate to handle the pressure being put on me to be the perfect job candidate and try to bring my "baby"....the historical society up. There is too much I really don't know about non-profits, so it's definitely a learning experience for me. Desperation has set in as I scramble to find information while still trying to find work.

It's hard when you can't even find motivation to get out of bed in the morning. I had a few mornings like that. I know my situation is not as bad as some others. I'm not facing eviction like some are. I can still pay for food and rent...but that could change soon. I struggle to remain positive.

What are my next steps? I'm not even sure. I could contact a few non-profits to see if I could intern with them. I could start advertising my services as a historian. Someone did suggest this to me. I know I do have to get past this feeling of being torn in two and the enormous stress that I'm now under to get a job...any job. This is going to be very difficult.

Forty seventh week-Down in the well looking up

This has not been a very good week for me. I guess it's because it really started sinking in that I'm treading water and going nowhere fast....not literally, but figuratively. Some things in my life are going well. I'm steadily working on the historical society information that I've been receiving. I'm hearing that I'm on the right track as far as that is concerned, yet I'm still stuck in this well. I feel the walls pressing in on me, and sometimes have a hard time catching my breath. Yes, I know this is all normal....so they tell me. Yet I'm feeling really desperate, which is not a good feeling.

I know I have to get out of this mindset. This is easier said than done. Once you reach this "milestone", you do want to quit. Some do. I know quite a few that have thrown up their hands, decided not to do anything and wind up destitute and homeless. I admit that frightens me. I am, however, at the point in this long rough road where I really don't know where to turn for help. Will I fall through the cracks like so many others have done? I know I don't want to....I'm fighting the best I know how to avoid the cliff that looms ahead of me. I have others to think about too....how will they be affected by my fall?

Yet I still have hope. I know that the Lord will provide for my needs. He knows every single one of them. I just have to ask, and not depend on my own resources. I definitely need that reminder when it seems like everything is falling apart around me and I feel lost.

Forty sixth week-Moving forward cautiously

This week was my week for networking. I networked with a few people with this new project and am sensing that things are moving forward. I know I need to be cautious. I don't want to get "burned", yet I also don't want to let things go. I am resisting a few things too. I admit that readily. I struggle with the concept that everyone seems to be toting these days, that is that everything is on-line. Sometimes I want to scream, but I hold it in. Other times I long for the old days when people met face to face. When did job hunting become a beauty contest? Why is it so hard to find steady employment? All these questions swirl around my brain as I do my research and reach out to others for information.

Since January, as all who have regularly read this post know, I've "flipped the switch" on my job hunt. Instead of focusing on getting just any administrative job out there, I decided to focus in on local history jobs. I know what you're thinking....she's crazy....but I'm thinking that if I stop obsessing over just finding any old job out there, then there's a good chance that I may find the job I need. Obsessing over anything won't help and might even hurt your job search. I know I have done this. Sometimes it just can't be helped. You try hard to find something, but everyone keeps telling you that you've been unemployed for too long...that no one will hire you because your skills have deteriorated too much. Yes, both scenarios are true. The skill sets I had while employed have deteriorated. I do feel that I have been unemployed for too long. I can't give up hope though. I have to keep striving to find that one job....that one position that will fulfill my needs. 

Forty fifth week-In a lull and processing information

It is sometimes hard to believe that I've been unemployed this long. I never expected it to last. I kind of hoped that I would have something by now. I am in a lull, as I shift through the information I uncovered through my research in the history field. At times it is frustrating as well. There is just so much information out there ripe for the picking, but no way to really sort it all intelligently.

I do get depressed when I realize what time I spent just trying fruitlessly to find work. It can be all consuming and frustrating at the same time. You want to wear that sign that says "Hire me!"....yet you are still reluctant to expose yourself to the world. Everyone tells you that you have to expose yourself in order to gain employment.

I did read with some interest that now employers will know all about your health because you will be required to take health assessment tests before you are gainfully employed. I don't know how true this is or what it really means to the average employee. To me, however, it seems to imply that the employer can now discriminate by your health status, your looks and what race you belong to (even though they don't usually do this due to laws on the books.) Yet I can't help thinking that in order to be employed, you have to run through a battery of tests that determine your weight and health status. I feel that this really "smacks" of socialism and takes away a freedom that should be our right to hold....That is the freedom of privacy in regards to healthcare status. No one needs to know about my health status, and I refuse to let them have that information. Maybe I'm being a bit melodramatic here about what I'm beginning to see happening here, or maybe I'm right on target with it as being yet another barrier to employment.

Forty fourth week-Finding passion and purpose in life

When you have been unemployed as long as I have, your passion and purpose does tend to wane. It's hard at times to even get up in the morning and pretend to go to work. Yes, I do know this. I've been pretending for a long time. I do get the sense of anger and frustration I hear and see around me. I share in it. I do want to scream at times at those captains of industry that laugh in our faces. I know their time is coming soon. They will one day be in the same "boat" as we are now, struggling to survive in an increasingly hostile world.

To combat this feeling of hopelessness and get back the passion that I lost, I lean on the Lord. I talk to him constantly about everything. I know that the Lord is leading me. I just have to continue in that leading and not get sidetracked by worry and fear. Yes, there is a lot of fear in this new venture of mine. There are many things I don't know. I'm eager to learn. I think that is essential to any new venture...the willingness to learn. So how do you find your passion and purpose in life? You start at the source of all life...God.

I know that nowadays it's not very popular to depend on God. Most have forgotten what God has done for them and continues to do for them. All of us have grown up to be too independent. We want to do things our own way. We don't realize that we're playing into the hands of Satan and his minions by doing that. We all do have the option of letting go of the anger, dissolution and frustration that threatens us. We can instead start to embrace the goodness around us, even when it seems like its hidden from view. I admit that I do tend at times to listen to the voices around me telling me that there's no hope for you. Its the same voice that haunts me sometimes at night. I can't let that voice rule me. God rules.

Forty third week-Wading through the mass of information and trying to make sense of it all

I can say this much about my experiences at starting a non-profit entity. It is a whole lot of work and at times just too much information to take in all at once. Yes, I'm still not making any money out of this venture. Yes, sometimes I do feel frustrated by the barriers I've had to overcome and am still overcoming now. No, to be honest I wouldn't trade this experience for anything else because I am learning a whole lot as well. I'm not sure at this time what my next steps are. I do know that I really need to start focusing in on where I want to be and what I really want to do with the rest of my life.

This is hard. You have all the pressures of being long term unemployed with no money coming in except for what you'd expect from the government (unemployment). You are required by law to be actively seeking employment and you do. You don't want to be in the situation you're in struggling for some stability in your life. Regardless of what anyone tells you, being on unemployment is not a stable situation to be in.

I, like most of my fellow colleagues (if I can call them that) long to have stable employment, which means a steady job with good benefits. I really don't think that's too much to ask for, but unfortunately the longer you are unemployed, the less likely you will find these kind of jobs. That's life, some say. It doesn't have to be that way. Sometimes you have to fight for what you're passionate about and hope that someday soon you get some revenue from it. Other times you need to step back and reevaluate where you are going in life. Having passion is good, but it's definitely not enough in the long run.

I will continue with my search both as an administrative assistant and as an amateur historian putting together a historical society.

Forty second week-Overloaded with information

This week I immersed myself in information on local history. There is an overwhelming amount of information to be had for the taking. I had to learn to sort out the information into different categories. There is different projects that are starting to gel from this exploration. I am finding that there is a need, but I am coming across some barriers. These barriers are:

1) Lack of funds and resources- Universities are not interested in promoting state history.or are coming across copyright issues in regards to books.

2) Lack of connection between the physical resources and the electronic resources available. In other words, I'll had to play history detective to find anything out.

3) An overwhelming amount of information but time limited to pursue those avenues-I don't know about you but I find myself going through "rabbit holes" to track down certain information I need.

I haven't as yet found any job opportunities for me in this field, which I noticed requires a masters degree to be in. I don't have the money or the time to pursue this. I am still researching for help to start a historical society and am learning that there are plenty of resources available.

What are my next steps? Well first, I definitely need to get in touch with the history departments at the local universities with my proposals. I know I don't want to "reinvent the wheel" but am in some ways getting very excited about the possibilities for me to find meaningful work here.

Next, I definitely need to find out if there are any grants for me to pursue this work. I would love to get paid to do this research and be able to have a great resource for both young and old to access easily.

Forty first week-Setting up a plan of action

Yes, I know that this should have been done earlier. Yet if you read my earlier blogs, I'm going in a new direction with my job search. This time I'm doing the research to find out if there is a niche for me to work in the historical field. I know for instance that there are companies out there that do historical research for both organizations and corporations. However there are none in my area. So my next steps are to find out why and if there really is a need that has yet to be explored. As some of you may recall, I had emphasized that the best thing you can do is to find what needs a company or organization has and then try to see if you can fill it.

Step one: Identify the need....Okay I noticed that there is a lack of historical research centers in my area. This means that many researchers are either outsourced or volunteering their time and effort. For many small businesses this identification appears unnecessary, but the truth of the matter is that having a known history makes your company stand out. Researchers don't just research, some also perform document management functions which is right up "my alley." It's not just companies that need what some call history detectives...government agencies also need them.

Step two: Talk to experts in field for input on what I need to do in order to fit in without running into a lot of cost. I have already reached out to two schools for input. One sounded promising. The other I'm still waiting back to hear from.

I do have two choices here once I get enough information. 1) set up a business plan detailing services-not ready to do this yet. 2) See if there are any courses I need to take before taking the plunge. I have been very seriously looking into doing what I can to coordinate efforts between historical societies in the area and maybe come up with a revenue stream that way.

Fortieth week-Trying to sort through mounds of information

This week has been really tough as I learned so many different things about local history. Some of it is very helpful, but other things are not as helpful. In fact I'm so confused now that I hardly know where to turn. The only analogy that I can make sense of is that there may or may not be a revenue stream here for me to tap. If there is, then that's great. I would be doing what I love to do, which is historical research and providing my community and the surrounding community with a link to their past.

Sorting through the mounds of information though is like swimming in a sea of sharks. You never really know what you're getting yourself into when you take those first steps. I am learning to reach out, just as I have been doing during this lengthy time of unemployment, to those people that can help me out with this. Much like a job search, which is in reality what I'm doing, you have to remain focused on the goals you want to accomplish. That's no easy task. Things pull you away. You get distracted. You get depressed and want to quit. You know you can't do that. There is a need that you are destined to fill. In the meantime, it is rough when there is no money coming in and you're not even sure you can even survive.

That is the question that has been rolling around in my mind for a while. Will I survive this? Right now I can't answer that question. All I do know for sure is that I need to take each day, work as diligently as I can with the resources I do have and pray for the soon coming day that I will be fully employed once again.

What I decided not to do is swallow in self pity. I can't do it to myself or to the people around me. Instead I have to keep reaching out to those avenues, some of which are unconventional, to find meaningful work.

Thirty ninth week-Learning to swim with the sharks

This week I learned a lot about the current state of historical preservation in a quest to see if there was anyway I could get a revenue stream from the work I've been doing for the past year and half with the book. I know that all the career advisers tell you that you need to do the research to find out if it's viable before jumping into the tank. I do believe that there is a definite need here to combine efforts to preserve local history. Going from point A to point B takes time and effort on the individual researcher. One of the skills you pick up is the ability to "swim with the sharks." This means in affect that you need to find out what the rules are for the industry that you are thinking of applying to get into and practice them.

This is not always an easy task. I've talked in earlier blogs about barriers. I didn't mention however the professional barrier that people put up as well. These are skill sets and prerequisites that you must meet in order to even be considered for the position. Some of these make sense.You wouldn't want a doctor who didn't know anything about your condition or had no skills to perform unnecessary surgery on you. Others don't make a whole lot of sense and discriminate those that would be perfectly qualified otherwise.

I am currently in the process of finding out what jobs are out there for historical research and preservation and what I need to do to qualify for them. I haven't given up on looking for administrative positions, but have branched out as the need to find suitable employment soon becomes more and more urgent.  

Thirty eighth week-Out on a limb

I have made some progress on my research into starting my own business. I definitely still feel like I'm out on a limb trying desperately to hold onto something. There are many people I realize that are experiencing this as well. I do feel a bit torn with my pursuits. I want to find a job that will utilize my historical research skills, my document management skills and my writing skills. Unfortunately with the passage of the new fiscal cliff bill, that doesn't seem possible. It's easy to give up and let the government pay you to remain unemployed. It's not so easy when the government says they're not going to do that anymore. You have to make some choices now. I've had to lecture myself at times this week to get on-line and do job research.

I know that my next steps will be to practice my new elevator speech, cold call at least five businesses and set up new electronic folders to keep track of everything so I can follow up. I have done this, but know I need to step up, buck up and call those numbers. Yes I do believe that networking is key and have got my message out. I discovered that my real calling is in historical research. There seems to be a definite need, but right now I'm not sure how to proceed with it.

Will I have any success? Right now what I really need to do is start implementing a business plan and generate interest in my services.

Thirty seventh week-Making the connections

This week I started making the connections I needed to start my business. I realized that I had been doing it all along in regards to gaining information for my recently published book. Now I know that I have to utilize that new skill to gain stable employment and/or start this business. I started writing a rough draft of what I will say once I start promoting the business. When you start from scratch like I'm doing now, there are a lot of variables you need to keep in mind. Some of these variables will "sink" you before you even get started, while others will creep up on you unaware.

Luckily for many of us unemployment benefits are not going away. This is a big factor to consider when you start. Are you going to have a buffer to see you through? If not, then you may want to consider other options in regards to revenue and resources. You can find most of these resources on the Internet. Two of them are what I'm starting to use now. I know that I need to focus on:

1) What services I will offer-writing and document management

2) What rates I will charge for each service and broken down into subcategories

3)How people will know about services and how they can contact you.

Some of this "leg work" you have already done. Using social media like Facebook and Linkedin to promote your services will help. Having a website will also help, but I'm learning that I need to be careful with expenses. So I ask myself the following questions:

1) What expenses will I run into as I start this business? You need to have at least an excel spreadsheet that is tracking the expenses such as Internet usage and mileage. Then there's the social media expenses to consider if you're serious about marketing your services.

2) How will I track these expenses-broken down into individual services or as a whole?

3) How do I want to promote the services? Broken down costs (if any) of sites utilized for promotion.

I do have a lot to think about in regards to this. Number one priority for me is to find out if there is a real need for my services here. If that need isn't present, then the business stalls or dies.